3 Steps to Turn Someone Down (without being the bad guy)

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I hear it from women all the time.

“I HATE saying no. I hate turning someone down. I’d rather not respond at all even though I hate it when people do that to me! What should I do?!”

Saying no can bring up a lot of internal fear, the main ones I’ve heard being:

  • I’m afraid they aren’t going to like me anymore
  • I’m afraid they’ll think I’m a bitch
  • I’m afraid that they won’t want to help me out in the future if I say no right now

And in relationships, it can show up as a rabbit hole trajectory that looks like:

I’m afraid they won’t love me anymore. OMG I’m not loveable. I suck. I am going to be alone forever. AHHHH (self-loathing ensues)

I’m afraid they’ll leave and find someone else, someone ‘better’. OMG I’m not loveable. I suck. I am going to be alone forever. AHHHH (self-loathing ensues)

I’m afraid that they’ll get pissed off and tell everyone else that I’m selfish/weird/mean. OMG I’m not loveable. I suck. I am going to be alone forever. AHHHH (self-loathing ensues)

But the truth is that if you want to have a relationship with others that is healthy, energizing and dare I say it, TURNED ON for both parties, saying YES and NO when it honors you is an act of self-love. TWEET THAT!

Otherwise you end up playing defense in your relationships, giving your power away to a crappy thought or a future fear that isn’t even true!

It’s not even about turning SOMEONE down (although that’s how our emotional brains register it, so that’s why I titled this post like that!)

It’s about turning IT down (a request, an opportunity, an invitation, a date etc). NOT a person.

It doesn’t have to be personal. Feel the difference

3 Key Steps To Effectively Turning Down A Request:

NOTE: Before you do this, I am assuming that you’re clear that you definitely WANT to say no but you feel bad about it or blocked around giving an answer. If you’re not sure what you want, get clear on that first!

Step 1: Do Your Prep-Work (This is for you, not to tell them.)

Before you even give an answer, write down any negative or weird feelings, fears and truths that get stirred up for you around saying no to this situation/request/etc. This will make sure that before you say anything, you are coming from a place of strength and groundedness within yourself. You’ll be less likely to get on the defensive if they push back because you’re anchored in what’s true for you. And that’s truly an act of self love.

Fill in the blanks as appropriate and go until you feel complete.

I feel ____________ in my body around this.

I’m afraid that if I say no to this, _______________________

I already know that…..

Example: “I feel a weird knot in my stomach and I’m worried that they are going to hate me because we are friends and I already know that I’m just really overwhelmed by my own shit right now and don’t have any space in my head or in my calendar to help them with this right now.” So clear, right? The truth really does set you free!

Step 2: Add Value Before Opening Your Mouth

You’re clear on what your Truth is and now if you want to set yourself apart from 90% of the population and be a rock-star communicator, see if you can provide an alternative solution or resource to what they are asking from you. This is something you can prepare for before you get on the phone or see them. **Only do this if you truly can offer a resource or if it’s appropriate. Only you know!

Example: If you’re asked to baby-sit your friend’s kid and you don’t want to do it, offer up a website of reputable sitters or offer to help her write the ad for one.

Step 3: Be Ridiculously Transparent!

Okay, now you’ve done your prep work, you may even have an alternative solution or resource that can help them without you having to do it. Now it’s time to actually have the conversation, write the email and do the uncomfortable…TURN IT DOWN/say NO.

The last step is to START your conversation with an opening of total transparency about how uncomfortable it is to do this AND how much you value them/something about them (it must be true!)

Example: “Robert, I was totally flattered that you asked me to help you with X ______ . That really means a lot to me and I value our friendship that you would think of me for this. I know you value transparency too, so I want to say how uncomfortable I feel having to turn this down.
It catches the person off guard and is super refreshing and clear. It also makes it more likely for them to actually hear what you’re saying after that and not take it personally.

NOTE: For an exact 4-step script of how to have an uncomfortable conversation, read this blog post.

Then you add in the resource if you have one and you’re done!

Wash, Rinse, Repeat!

With a little patience and a lot of practice, you’ll be on your way to feeling powerful AND generous saying no…. even when you’re scared or want to hide and avoid responding. You’ve got this Goddess!

Q: What has helped YOU find the confidence to say no even when you were afraid? Share your insights with us in the comments below!

ps: Are you ready to blow 2015 out of the water? Sign up here for free updates to help you live free and feel confident about yourself and your relationships!

get them to notice you…3 tips that actually work (from an unexpected source!)

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Okay, I have some questions for you. If the answers are yes to any of these, raise your hand.

How would you like that special someone to notice you?

Wish you could command the attention of a room without feeling desperate?

Wouldn’t it be fun to stop pushing and actually get more of what you want with less effort?

Umm, yes please! 

It’s actually a lot easier than you think and today’s post is inspired by an unexpected guest blogger: a kitten named Princess Tula. (I’m so serious).

In observing her story, you’ll learn 3 powerful ways of being to command more attention than you know what to do with. In love. And in life. 

As you read the story, I invite you to see how Tula’s behaviors could mirror how you show up in the world. (or where you’re invited to try something new).

Ready? Let’s go!

—-

Background: Tula is my aunt’s boyfriend’s new kitten and last night I got to witness the grand introduction of the kitten to his guard dog, a very protective (and fiercely loyal) Foxy. It was going to be interesting. 

Scene: Kitchen

Starring Players: 8-week old kitten Princess Tula, dog Ms. Foxy, me, my aunt and her bf.

We are instructed to pick Tula up and hold her like a baby preparing for Foxy’s grand introduction. 

After about 15 minutes of trying to chase Tula, my aunt gives up and says, “I can’t catch her. She keeps running away from me.” (We drink a glass of wine and figure we’re off the hook).

Enter her big, burly German boyfriend. 

He picks up the frightened, escape-prone kitten in less than 1 minute using subtle mirroring and patience and the Princess is happy to be in his arms. (We stop drinking wine and are now curious what his secret is). 

Stop chasing. A little subtlety goes a long way.

Enter Foxy

From the moment Foxy burst on the scene and realized there was another animal in the room, she went C-R-A-Z-Y. Barking, pulling at her leash, and even getting water dumped on her head didn’t stop her from showing her displeasure in having a ‘sister.’  It was NOT okay.

Tula’s response? Lazy amused stare. Decides it would be fun to explore the top of the couch and proceeds to sprawl out and close her eyes. What’s the big deal?

Be selective of what (or who) you spend energy on. Less is more. 

Foxy: Gets more annoyed and manages to tangle herself around the computer chair. More barking. Maybe this will work! I’m so afraid that she’s going to take my place! That is NOT happening! 

She then manages to knock down two candles on the coffee table in her state, a few feet from the Princess.She eventually gets taken outside. No treat. 

Never make a move from a fear of losing something. You just get tangled up and it takes longer!

Tula’s response? Purr. My aunt pets her. Finally, finally a massage. And that dog is gone. That’s better. 

It was truly fascinating to watch. 

And in just a 20-minute experience, Tula gave us all a powerful lesson in loving yourself first and getting what you want, without force or struggle. 

Kudos, little Goddess.

Bonus Love Nugget from a Man:

And to close out the story, my aunt’s boyfriend said, “You know, it’s not that hard. But it took me awhile to finally get it. Women are like cats. If you chase them, or try and force them to do anything, you get nowhere fast. You have to be subtle about it. It’s like a dance. You have to use finesse, not force. You should really put this in your book you know.” (walks away). Well said, sir!

Q: Which of the 3 tips hit home with you? How does it apply to your life? Share with us in the comments!

Just to recap, they are:

  • Stop chasing. A little subtlety goes a long way.
  • Be selective of what (or who) you spend energy on. Less is more. 
  • Never make a move from a fear of losing something. You just get tangled up and it takes longer!

Want more?

Click here to grab your FREE PDF: “5 Signs To Distinguish Between a Message from Spirit and Wishful Thinking”

3 tips to avoid family drama over the holidays

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  • Do you ever feel like you don’t “measure up” in your family
  • Do you secretly wish you could hide in a cave and just skip over the endless holiday drama?
  • Are you tired of feeling like you’re not good enough?

You’re not alone!

The holidays can be a really rough time when it comes to relationships.

But the good news is, it’s also a great time to do some MASSIVE clearing and step up your spiritual

game.

In this video you will learn:

  • my top 3 tips to dealing with difficult family members
  • how to save your sanity when that person makes that snarky remark about your weight, your job or your relationships (or lack of!)
  • how to quickly spot and diffuse drama before it goes out of control and so much more!

Watch it below and be sure to answer this week’s Soul Question after!

Q: What is one way YOU deal with family drama that has helped you over the holidays?

It could be a self-care tip, an affirmation, or simply an activity that helps you stay centered during this crazy time! Share with us in the comments!

 

ps: Ready to shed and let go of your past family drama for GOOD?

Book a complimentary 15-minute consult so I can learn more about your specific desires and goals and share ways that you can reach them!

11:11:11 + your spiritual message about love

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“Be Yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”-Oscar Wilde

Wow!

I’m just coming off my Sedona high from this weekend’s Ignite Your Soul retreat and so many amazing insights came up high in the Red Rocks with the Goddesses who came. I will share more about that next week!

But to add to the already electric vibes in the air, it is also a triple 11 day which means MAJOR transformation potential, especially around your relationships.

How I got that:

11-11-2014. 

1+1+1+1+2+0+1+4=11. 

What that means:

The number 11 is a master number of relationship and if you look at it, it literally looks like a pathway. 

It represents a gateway, an initiation you walk through and with 3 “11’s” in the line-up, it represents: your past self-your present thoughts-and the future you are creating. Within you.

It’s the perfect time to:

  • be bold and ask for what you really really want (vs what you think you can get)
  • bury the hatchet once and for all and give up having to be “right” and know it all and 
  • put your focus instead on how much peace you can gift yourself in any given relationship

In short, in any given moment, are you going to choose peace or are you going to choose war within yourself?

Again it’s that 11 gateway thing.

One path brings you more to battle, more to fight, more to “figure out.”

The other path brings you lessons learned vs mistakes made, a second chance and a sense of abundance and connection.

The true connection and love that only comes when you give up seeing yourself as separate from the Divine in another person or a situation. 

The person that’s irritating you?

Maybe you knew them in a past life, but what are they activating in you that wants to have a voice?

The person you’re jealous of?

Maybe they are really just showing you your own potential that you have been afraid to step into out of fear.

The person that isn’t calling you back or giving you attention when you want it?

Maybe they are just your teacher for what it means to let go of validating your self worth or love through other people’s approval or lack of approval.

It all goes back to you. Loving yourself enough to say yes to peace. 

This week, I invite you to reflect again on the same question as you go about your journey: 

“In this given moment, am I going to choose peace or am I  going to choose war within myself? What would bring me closer to my desired feeling?” 

Start there.

And remember: you are loved. 

ps: Are you coming to my Intuition 101 course? We are starting in just SIX short days!

It’s the perfect time to hone and sharpen your intuitive skills so you can float freely into this next chapter and prep for an amazing, grounded 2015. Click here.

Video: want to stop taking on other people’s crap? do this!

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Have you ever left your house feeling on top of the world?

Happy, ready for the day and smiling for no reason?

And then you get to the office or you get off the phone with someone and after a few minutes, you feel like you need to take two showers?

You feel icky, mad, sad or just “off” and you know you’ve taken on their crap but you don’t know how to NOT?

Us spiritually-conscious folks, tend to have the biggest hearts and also tend to be extremely sensitive to others’ moods, vibes, etc. This is a true gift and you probably know you’re here to radiate light and elevate the planet with good vibes and love. All that being said…

In relationships (of all kinds), if you don’t want to end up feeling like crap for taking on other people’s crap all the time, it’s crucial that you learn how to stay in your own energy.

I want to help you do just that!

In this week’s video you will learn:

  • One of my favorite Angel-friendly negative-energy-be-gone exercises you can do that requires less than 10 seconds once you’ve gotten some practice!
  • The why behind other people’s crap bumping into your energy and what’s really happening
  • You’ll learn of a fun opportunity to take it a step further and learn how to not let other people’s crap influence your decision-making abilities

Watch it below (I kept it short again..wohoo!) and be sure to answer this week’s Soul Challenge question in the comments!


 

NOTE: If you are extra sensitive and having the mirror only face one-way feels isolating, experiment with having it be a 2-way mirror so you can see yourself on one side and the other person sees themselves. You can also add color and make the mirror a color that feels fun for you! Experiment and report below!

This Week’s Soul Challenge: Have YOU ever taken on other people’s negative vibes or energy? What has helped you to stay positive at work or in your relationships! Share your wisdom or tip with us below!

ps: Ready to learn how to take your intuition up a notch?

Intuition 101 11/2014