I used to be so terrified of my masculine energy, like if I unleashed it, it would consume everything in its path.
What if I hurt people and I’d lose control of myself and my life?
You see, I had no real reference point for what a healthy masculine expression looked or felt like for so many years.
So I got really really good at turning up the volume on my feminine, but in the process, i squashed and stuff down my masculine.
I was out of balance. Too much of anything can take us off our spiritual center I find.
So, today I’d like to share a story from 2013 with the intent that it inspires you to look at the places in yourself that maybe you’ve stuffed down too, places that want to come out and be seen and honored…even if you are scared.
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The Stallion by Diana Dorell
On the last day of a business retreat to a horse whispering ranch in California, we were each put in a ring with our “last horse.”
Our trainer mentioned that each horse had been carefully selected for each of us based on what had come up the past two days that we still needed to sort through in order to create breakthroughs in our businesses (and really all parts of our lives!)
I was really curious which horse I’d get and when she called my name I confidently walked into the center of the much larger ring.
My coach and mastermind sisters looked on from the side smiling.
“You’ve got this. No biggie, Diana!” I said to myself.
Then out of the corner of my eye, I see my horse.
Gorgeous, sandy-colored stallion with spots.
Pure alpha, I’m-the-king energy.
He was already bucking. With the trainer!
Fuuuuuckkk. My palms started to get sweaty.
She unleashed him into the ring and told me to try to get him to walk with me in a circle around the perimeter of the ring.
I could use any of the tools laying around or just my voice/energy as we had learned to do the days before.
Well….I tried clapping. Yelling. Staying calm.
I used the rope.
The hoop.
I even tried skipping alongside him and singing.
He snorted at me and shook his mane before he dashed off.
Then he’d randomly gallop defiantly in front of me, and each time he came towards me, I felt a shiver run down my spine and pure terror.
I kept looking over at the trainer and she just said…”Stay with what’s coming up. Try something different.”
He started galloping faster and faster around me and I started to feel like his puppet. Or his prey.
He came ramming towards the railing next to me and at one point, even lifted up his front hoofs like the picture of the unicorn on my Angel card that is called “Victory!”
Who was I kidding?
I had no freakin control over this horse, or my own emotions for that matter.
Uncontrollable tears of fear and frustration streamed down my face and I literally fell to my knees, covering my head with my hands and smelling the dirt.
I just wanted to be anywhere but where I was.
A few minutes later, it was over. The trainer came inside and gently guided me out and another lady came to get Mr. Crazy.
The last day and he had won.
I felt about two inches tall and avoided looking at my coach or my mastermind sisters. But I had some breakthroughs. And I’m still uncovering more, 5 years later!
The Breakthroughs:
“So, what came up for you Diana?” we debriefed.
I got really quiet and said nothing for awhile. And then through a discussion we had between what I felt and what the trainer and my peeps saw…I had some ah-has.
- That stallion represented all the men in my life who I had given my power away to.
- He also showed me all the times in my life started from being a little girl to this point where I didn’t feel safe to have a voice, didn’t feel safe to feel angry or to stand in my power because I felt ashamed, weird or like it wasn’t the ‘right’ thing to do.
- But really, the biggest thing that came from that day was that I was so terrified of my OWN power. You see, deep down, I saw how unstoppable I could be if I just let it out. Let myself be fully integrated. Tapped into my masculine assertive energy as much as I had my feminine, receptive, go-with-the-flow energy. I just had no clue how to do that consistently.
In my experience up to that point (and maybe you can relate to this), masculine energy was aggressive, manipulative, selfish and controlling. It got shit done, but at the expense of someone or something else.
But that is only the shadow. There are always two sides to the coin.
I’ve learned that the healthy masculine, the Light side, is protective, clear and decisive, directed and extremely aware of how their actions impact the whole, doing anything in its power to make sure those around them feel safe and cared for. It’s beautiful.
And the biggest and in my opinion, most important way you bring out healthy masculine energy is in choosing to take full responsibility for your life and directing and creating it!
My homework that day was to go to Starbucks and order something without asking the barista what their favorite drink was or what they recommended!
It was such a simple task but really was my first step in reclaiming my Divine masculine!
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So, what’s the key to coming back into balance?
The first step is seeing where you have disowned yourself.
Some big ones I’ve come to terms with over the past decade have included:
- Dishonoring my body by eating unhealthy foods that packed on pounds, giving me the false illusion of being protected from XYZ
- Feeling conflicted and ashamed of my sexuality (I am openly bi), feeling like I needed to hide or squeeze myself into one community or the other instead of just giving myself permission to be fabulous me!
- Seeing my psychic gifts and extreme sensitivity as an empath (feeling everything all the time!) as something that makes me less than or weird vs awesome and something that has helped thousands of people!
Once you can identify those places where you’ve been stuffing yourself down, you free yourself from their grip, can start to formulate new patterns in your subconscious and you also free up space to allow your most integrated self to come through.
When that happens, that’s when magic really starts cooking!
Because you aren’t held back by fear.
It’s not that you’ll never be afraid or face challenges.
You’ll just stop fighting yourself in the process of facing them and things can more easily be resolved and also manifested!
Q: So what is one place where you have been hiding from yourself? What is one thing you’ve been avoiding looking at in yourself?
Name It. Write it Down. Free yourself.
That’s where your power is gorgeous goddess.
Thanks so much for being here with me.
Have a magical week!
PS: Did this post fire you up? Are you ready to make changes and are you tired of getting in your own way and letting BS excuses or blocks keep you from the life you know you deserve?
I have a handful of spots to work with privately this year and I’d love to be your spiritual mentor!
In this call we will:
– look at which of the 4 core blocks could be running the show holding you back from the life you really want
– we will discuss your goals and dreams and if we are a fit to work together!
– You are under no obligation to invest in services by booking this call but it does get the process started if you’d like to learn more.
