a reframe if you hate confrontation…(love tip)

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Do you tend to shy away from confrontation or sharing how you feel?

I was speaking with a client about this awhile back.

For privacy sake, we’ll call her Jasmine.

All her life, Jasmine had learned that it wasn’t safe to be seen or to have a voice.

It was very much an old-school mentality of children should be “seen, not heard.”

So, naturally when she got into a relationship, anytime her needs were not be met (or she knew deep down she had to voice them and have a confrontation), this inexplicable terror would come up.

A fear of abandonment. (What if they leave me after I say this?)

A fear of being yelled at (or iced out). (What if they go silent or yell at me?)

A fear of upsetting or angering them.  (What if I let them down or make them mad?)

This was all coming from a childhood core belief that it wasn’t safe to express or even have a voice.

And a secondary belief that she didn’t matter and her opinions and feelings weren’t important.

Once she identified that, some energy released but that fear of confrontation was still very strong.

I offered her this reframe on “confrontation” that helped her put things in perspective and feel safer to have the dialogue she wanted to have with her boyfriend.

Consider this:

What if instead of viewing it as a confrontation, it was an opportunity to feel your power and connect?
Words have a frequency and even reframing confrontation to opportunity sends out a different vibe!
In one, we are expecting it to be one-sided, ie: “I’ll be saying what I need to and the other person will be the recipient of my verbal hurl and venting.”

It breeds separation.

Me vs. you.

None of which can foster an open dialogue and connection.

But an opportunity to feel your power and connect with yourself and another?

It’s a win:win.

When we share from a place of grounded connectedness, even when what you have to say is uncomfortable or painful, it is more likely to be received and heard.

Then it becomes a conversation vs a one-sided confrontation.

It takes practice and a willingness to express yourself in an imperfect, but honest way.

And it’s a good first step in fostering a new belief that it is indeed safe (and encouraged) to share your voice with the person you care about.

Jasmine got clear on what she wanted to say and will be having a conversation with her guy this weekend.

Win:win.

Are you ready to feel safe to express yourself?
Join Awaken: 21 Days To Embrace Your Inner Goddess!
Early bird rate ends May 31.
www.dianadorell.com/awaken2020

Q: Have you ever struggled with confrontation? What helped you to be more at ease with expressing yourself?

Share below and if you would like to read empowering stories from my own dating files as well as friends and clients, check out my bestselling book, The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again!

is love blind?

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Happy Wednesday!

Have you heard of or seen the Netflix show, Love is Blind? 

If not, don’t worry-neither had I…until I got asked to be interviewed about it on national syndicated radio last month for Channel Q!

The premise of this show if you haven’t seen it is that pairs are put in “pods” (rooms where they can only hear each other and not see each other) and from that interaction, supposedly move to the next phase of the relationship.

And it begs the Q:

Can you fall in love with someone you’ve never met (aka “seen”) ahead of time?

What do you think? 

Check out my answer here from the show 

VIP: If you don’t want to listen to them interview the stars of the show/commercials, etc you can skip straight to my answer by going to timestamp: 1:02ish min

how to stop accepting crumbs in a relationship

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Nothing annoys me more and makes me want to do some scary Kali-Ma drumming rage dance than hearing woman after woman call me + say some version of this:

I’m okay accepting crumbs….it’s not that bad.

Oh. my. Goddess. Nooooooo!

This madness must stop and especially the day before National Self-Love Day and 2 days before the V-day, I’m not going to sugar coat it.

You will never create the type of amazing, lasting, nourishing relationship you say you want if you keep accepting crumbs.

It’s like walking by this gorgeous cake with your name on it and deliberately walking two blocks out of your way to pick up the crusty, nasty CRUMBS that some other goddess left behind as she was eating her gorgeous cake.

It’s in-sanity!

Why do we do this?

A few specific examples of how this shows up in real-life:

  • saying yes to booty calls with your ex (who you’re supposedly ‘over’) 
  • getting stood up on a date and letting the guy reschedule?! (after you text him to find out wtf happened).
  • calling your friend because you really need a friendly ear after a shitty day at work..and then letting her steer the conversation to herself for the entire call and keeping quiet about it.

No. no. no.

If this is pissing you off too, I’m doing my job.

If you are ready to retire your crumb-accepting crappy broken tiara once and for all, here are 3 behaviors you’re going to need to stop.
Stop the following-

1. Stop thinking you won’t get anything else if you reject this crappy, unacceptable option.
I call this the something-is-better-than-nothing mentality. Yes, it takes courage to walk away when you don’t have a guarantee that something else will immediately rush in to take its place. But it’s a discipline and requires a lot of self-trust and trust in more than enough.

2. Stop believing that it’s “greedy” to want more than the bare minimum and that wanting more makes you a bad person.

This usually comes from childhood and what was modeled to us around being a “good” girl. Wanting more than the minimum can feel scary but you’re going to have to shift this if you want to be treated like the Queen you are.

3. Stop letting other people dictate your standards.

Often times, it’s easier to just not have any standards, but leaves you constantly at the mercy of what other people decide. And it’s hard to attract a quality relationship when your standards are non-existent or unclear. So get some girlfriend and take  ownership of this!

The more you can stop these three behaviors, the sooner you’ll be on your way to not even notice the yucky crumbs and claim the whole damn cake.

ps: It’s likely that the pattern of accepting crumbs isn’t one that just started. And it can be easier to navigate and break when you have a partner beside you who has been through the ropes. If you’re ready to turbo-charge your results this year, private coaching can help you get there! Click here to explore coaching and book a complimentary love-assessment call with Diana.