Do you tend to shy away from confrontation or sharing how you feel?
I was speaking with a client about this awhile back.
For privacy sake, we’ll call her Jasmine.
All her life, Jasmine had learned that it wasn’t safe to be seen or to have a voice.
It was very much an old-school mentality of children should be “seen, not heard.”
So, naturally when she got into a relationship, anytime her needs were not be met (or she knew deep down she had to voice them and have a confrontation), this inexplicable terror would come up.
A fear of abandonment. (What if they leave me after I say this?)
A fear of being yelled at (or iced out). (What if they go silent or yell at me?)
A fear of upsetting or angering them. (What if I let them down or make them mad?)
This was all coming from a childhood core belief that it wasn’t safe to express or even have a voice.
And a secondary belief that she didn’t matter and her opinions and feelings weren’t important.
Once she identified that, some energy released but that fear of confrontation was still very strong.
I offered her this reframe on “confrontation” that helped her put things in perspective and feel safer to have the dialogue she wanted to have with her boyfriend.
What if instead of viewing it as a confrontation, it was an opportunity to feel your power and connect?
Words have a frequency and even reframing confrontation to opportunity sends out a different vibe!
In one, we are expecting it to be one-sided, ie: “I’ll be saying what I need to and the other person will be the recipient of my verbal hurl and venting.”
It breeds separation.
Me vs. you.
None of which can foster an open dialogue and connection.
But an opportunity to feel your power and connect with yourself and another?
It’s a win:win.
When we share from a place of grounded connectedness, even when what you have to say is uncomfortable or painful, it is more likely to be received and heard.
Then it becomes a conversation vs a one-sided confrontation.
It takes practice and a willingness to express yourself in an imperfect, but honest way.
And it’s a good first step in fostering a new belief that it is indeed safe (and encouraged) to share your voice with the person you care about.
Jasmine got clear on what she wanted to say and will be having a conversation with her guy this weekend.
Are you ready to feel safe to express yourself?
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Q: Have you ever struggled with confrontation? What helped you to be more at ease with expressing yourself?
Share below and if you would like to read empowering stories from my own dating files as well as friends and clients, check out my bestselling book, The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again!