Have you ever felt like you’re maybe just not “ready” for love or a soul mate partnership?
Ever felt like you had to get your ‘ducks in a row’ first and then you’ll feel more ready?
Have you ever secretly had thoughts like “Maybe I’m just not good enough or my life just isn’t good enough for a guy to stick around?”
OMG. So did I. I want to share a story with you from my personal dating files with the intention that it offers you some peace and insight into YOUR approach to dating.
Man, I’ve felt like that so many times in love. Like maybe I should figure out how to manage my money better and not overdraft 10,000 times and THEN a guy would see how special and fabulous I was. Or I thought that maybe I should lose 10 more lbs and THEN I’d go out with that guy my friend wanted to set me up with and wear that sexy dress with Spanx. I even thought that I shouldn’t date anyone or show real interest in anyone until I actually lived in my own place in the Bay Area (which is pricey!) to prove to a guy that I was ‘successful’ and capable of keeping a beautiful house.’ It’s embarrassing to share this with you, but that’s where my head was a few years ago!
But looking back at all my serious partnerships back then, I noticed an interesting pattern. During that chaotic time in my life (my early-late twenties), I met not one, but three amazing men that would turn into future boyfriends during periods of intense internal chaos and transition of all kinds. With one guy I met and dated seriously I had just broken up with someone and was in a man-hating stage, which apparently did not deter him from pursuing me. With another, I was super stressed about my teaching job and wanted to escape so I would eat and put on weight or starve myself and eat nothing. And with yet another long-term love during that crazy ass time, I was completely broke and trying to make it as a film and commercial actress in the city, feeling totally scattered and shaky with my inability to have my ‘shit’ figured out. Yet these amazing men showed up in my life.
This defied my ‘ducks-in-a-row- theory.’ Was the Universe giving me a free pass and it didn’t matter how self-destructive I was (I could go crazy!) because I was just the shit and men would flock to me regardless of what I did? Ummmm, no I don’t think that’s what my Soul lesson was! Looking back now, I see that each of those men popped into my life to re-affirm 3 things:
Tough Love Take-Aways
1) At our core, we are all deserving and worthy of love, affection and attention regardless of our temporary circumstances. Say it with me. I AM worthy of love, affection and attention no matter what is happening in my life right now.
2) You don’t (and probably won’t) have all your ducks in a row as much as you think you should. You can still find someone who finds you incredibly amazing and wants to date you anyway. Work towards getting your life in order with grace and patience!
3) And most importantly…Stay curious and look for hidden gems!
These men helped me see the areas in my life that I sincerely wanted to shift, mostly the negative thoughts bouncing around in my head that were living there rent-free! The difference was I shifted from what I thought I NEEDED to shift or change for THEM to asking myself, “What would help me feel most beautiful, joyful and proud of ME?”
Though obviously none of these three men were not to stay in life forever, they all were incredibly rich relationships that were birthed from not having my ducks anywhere near a row! And from my own growing self-love and self-respect with each evolution of those partnerships and the solo times in between, I learned how to better manage and respect my money (which is closely tied to how we value and show respect to ourselves), I eventually sought support for my eating disorder and destructive eating habits and began speaking in public schools to young boys and girls around how to love your body and I even uncovered a joy for Feng-Shui and color therapy (and hired a housecleaner!).
That’s my story. Now I’d love to hear from you!
Which one of the 3 take-aways resonates with you right now?
Have you ever struggled with feeling like you have to have it all figured out?
Share your comments below!
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