why you’re still single…a question every woman must clarify first to get lasting love
So, one of the biggest questions I get asked in my private coaching practice is “Why am I still single? What am I doing wrong?”
Well, while there’s no easy answer to that, I’d love to share a question from the book I recommend to all my private coaching clients called Getting to I Do, that helps to shed some light on what could be happening for you. I’ll illustrate it with a story you can relate to.
Ann was a beautiful, well-educated, compassionate woman approaching her 40th birthday.
She was making over $300,000/year in her own business and she was seriously wondering if there was something wrong with her that she couldn’t seem to hang on to a man.
When I asked her what she was looking for she said, “Someone who isn’t intimidated by my success. Someone who lets me be me and doesn’t try to put me into some traditional housewife role. I am ready to settle down and I’m tired of dating men who only want to have sex with me. What am I doing wrong?”
“Well, let me ask you this,” I replied. Would you say that it’s more important to you that he respect your thoughts and opinions OR that he cherish your feelings above anything else? What is your first natural response after you quiet your mind and relax your body? I know that both are important to you and in a serious relationship, you will get both, but which one if it were satisfied FIRST, would you prefer? Take all the time you need but only give me one answer.”
She said the first one (that he respect her thoughts and opinions was priority.) And thoughts and opinions are MALE or directive energy.
Just to be clear: Both genders (men and women) have feminine and masculine energy that we flip flop between during the course of our days. That is totally natural. But in romantic partnerships, there is a predominant energy. A woman can be in her masculine at work and mostly feminine in love. A man can be in his masculine at both work and love. A woman can be in her feminine at work and masculine in love. And a man can be in his feminine at work and feminine in love. One energy is not better than the other. It just IS. Have I confused you yet? 🙂
The big Ah-HA
So… in my story with Ann above, in order to have a long-lasting partnership, she needed to find a male partner who wanted to carry predominantly FEMALE or receptive energy in their relationships to create that opposite tension needed for long-term sexual and emotional compatibility. Otherwise, she would always be attracting directed, alpha-type-men who may want to sleep with her, would respect her success as a businesswoman but not view her as a future life partner. She was hooked sexually (oxytocin is a bitch!) obsessing about them while they were off dating other women with little or no thought to her. It was simply a question of energetic mis-match for the long haul.
I’m busting this Myth
Society ingrains in us women that if you carry predominantly masculine energy in your love relationships that there is something “wrong” with you but that is so not true! There are plenty of fabulous men who are wonderful and compassionate partners who will value you as the directive energy in the relationship and take your lead without a dent to their masculinity. Conversely, if you find when you ask yourself that question that you desire to be the feminine/receptive energy in love relationships, then you’re going to have to learn how to leave your masculine at the office and let a man lead you. *(This is one of the toughest spiritual lessons to learn and one that I love helping my clients with, so if you have trouble with this too, scroll down as I have an invitation for you!)
The trap is thinking you can have both a masculine, directed alpha-male AND also lead with your masculine in love. It may work for you in your business but unless you are with a feminine-energy man in love, you’re either going to sleep with each other but he won’t want a commitment or you’ll fight and try to “top” each other. Neither is a recipe for lasting love!
So ask yourself: in LOVE relationships …….(not business, friendship or family…I want to be so clear on that!)
“Is it more important to me that my future soulmate/husband/partner respect my thoughts and opinions OR that they cherish my feelings above anything else?
If you said the first, you are naturally more DIRECTIVE in love and would best have your needs met if you carry the masculine role and look for a partner willing to lead with their feminine.
If you said the second, you are naturally more RECEPTIVE in love and would best have your needs met if you carry the feminine role and look for a partner willing to lead with their masculine.
Invitation: Which energy are you in love? Any insights or ideas you want to share on this concept of male/female energy? Please post a comment!
Psssssst….Would you like to learn exactly how to become a man MAGNET in love, drawing men to you like flies without compromising your values? or if you want to carry masculine energy in love, how to APPROACH amazing receptive men who love and respect you for your thoughts, opinions and ability to lead?
This is what I help my private coaching clients with in my full 3-month love immersion program and I’d love to help you!
Click here to schedule a complimentary Intro Call to learn more about this and if the program is right for you! Spaces are limited so if you’re done being single, grab one!
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Interesting ideas Diana. It seems like this is coming up a lot in subtle ways in my world right now. I would only ask one question of you before I share about myself: Have you and do you ask yourself this question in your Love life, use it and find it effective?
I know you have shared about being in a partnership.
So assuming you have and are using these questions successfullly to help you define and honor and fufill your inner Lover I will share.
The question comes up as both for me. I crave both. I am intensely unfufilled if I am with someone who doesn’t seem to have any ability to be aware of my feelings, be there for them gently…and simply care about them AND I visualize and crave a strong partnerhood with someone who is smart and smart enough to respect my strength and intelligence:)
I get that I have a lot of strength and a core of sweet softness and vulnerabiltity.
I would hate to think that I would have to choose and I’m not sure I could but I am missing feeling cared about and honored on a deeper core level. So, it gives me something to think about. I have started to ask myself…How do I be my own awesomoe boyfriend that will make descisions that will love, protect and honor this deeper part of me. ie say “goodnight” early when I am with someone I don’t feel cared for by.
It’s confusin,g and I appreciate you, as always:)
Thanks so much for sharing this. So, to answer your question, I never share anything on my blog that I have not tried in my own life. And while I never claim to do anything perfectly or have all the answers, I have found that using the principle of masculine/feminine is a balance we all have to find in love relationships. For me, I know that I lead with my masculine in my business and it definitely has served me, but when I give myself transition time from business to home/connection in love, I slip into my feminine and the connection feels lighter and more fun! (But that’s just my personal preference).
Also, I want to be clear that you can have both your thoughts respected and your feelings cherished with the right partner. It’s simply a question to help you clarify which energy you lead with in love. The one that matters to you MOST from a gut-level response is a clue to where your masculine or feminine energy wants to be honored in love.
Hope that helps and thank you so much for sharing and being a part of the community!
One of the challenges with choosing a man in his feminine to compliment a strong directed woman’s masculine nature is when the man is also on a personal growth path. Over the years if he is growing, he will likely get uncomfortable being in is feminine so much and eventually grow into his stronger masculine. Obviously this can create challenges down the road for the relationship. Obviously if they see this coming, the couple can adapt, especially if she so chooses to relax more into her feminine. However, she will only be able to do that if she TRUSTS his guidance and intuitive direction!
The other challenge is in the bedroom. If he is in his feminine most of the time he may have a hard time transitioning to his masculine when it comes to intimacy. (i.e. think of the guys you have dated that are the big people pleasers. Now imagine them in the bedroom, constantly asking you how you are and pleasing you in a submissive way). From my experience, most women want to puke when the think of their man in his feminine in the bedroom. Over time, this can show up as HER having low sex drive. (i.e. he is totally not attractive anymore).
One other thought is to figure out what your core nature is: masculine or feminine, not your conditioned in habits, but when do you feel most fulfilled at a deep level. Is it when your in your feminine and flowing or when your in your masculine and making shit happen. I strongly believe that if your core nature is feminine and you end up spending 90% of your time in your masculine, you will be miserable. If that’s the case, you will be broadcasting misery and repelling men who would normally be attracted if you were in your feminine.
The same goes for men. If their core nature is masculine and they spend the majority of their time in their feminine, they will eventually get disgusted with themselves and need to break out of it! If they are in a partnership where they are expected to stay in their feminine, that’s where resentment can start to build if the couple is not aware.
I guess I had a lot to say. Sheewee! Anyway, I love strong woman and I also like to see them melt into their feminine. I believe most men do. And if we can be the hero that helps her melt into her feminine, then we feel like the mission is accomplished (speaking from a man in his masculine)!
So great to hear from a man’s perspective Marc! A powerful thing you shared:
“when do you feel most fulfilled at a deep level? Is it when your in your feminine and flowing or when your in your masculine and making shit happen.”
Thank you so much for your insights! Much Love, Diana
Great article and great points by Marc. Especially the part about conditioned versus natural state because I teeter-totter between the two, but when he asked that question, I am definitely more of a ‘flow’ kinda girl, preferring that over the energy of the go, go, go … not that I don’t love and thrive in that energy too, but definitely in the work space versus the love space.
Thanks you two for the insights!!
Love it Natalie! Yes, it’s totally natural to teeter-totter, but it sounds like you know your FLOW <3 Much Love! Diana