Is he emotionally unavailable for a long term relationship? 3 red flags to watch out for!

Claudia really liked this guy Tom. They had been dating a little under a month and met online. She was feeling pretty head over heels for him, but even though she was super attracted to to him, she was sticking to your own boundaries and hadn’t slept with him yet. He was sexy, mysterious and the typical strong, silent type. But he told her she was beautiful, they seemed to have a lot in common and he even offered to take down his online dating profile (Yes! she thought. We are finally getting somewhere!).  And then days went by and she didn’t hear from him. Then days became weeks and she never heard from Tom again. 

When we looked at the situation a little deeper, there were a few clear signs early in the dating stages that Tom, although being super attracted to Claudia, was emotionally unavailable for the long-term. She had felt these red flags, but because she really liked him, she decided to brush them off. 

It’s easy for us to get emotionally involved with and open our hearts to someone who quite simply, cannot for whatever reason, reciprocate that back to us. It does not mean there is something wrong with you or even them. It’s just where they are at in their emotional capacity to give and receive love. But if you can spot these 3 red flags early on, you will save yourself a lot of time and unnecessary heartache and move on to someone who is available and can’t wait to date your fine self!


  • Red Flag #1 -He talks about his ex constantly (in a negative or positive way) 

Now, it’s normal to have the “ex” talk at some point in your relationship, but it’s usually with the understanding of informing your current date that you are over them and ready for a new experience. If your date is constantly bringing up their ex in conversation, watch this because it could be that there is some unfinished business there and they may not be ready to fully move on. The last thing you want to be is the rebound.


  • Red Flag #2-When you ask him what he’s passionate about aka “What do you want to do when you grow up?” he has no answer or changes the subject quickly

Having a career/job/Life Purpose that they can be proud of is often a prerequisite to being able to completely give love to a woman in the way we want. If they are wavering on how they are contributing to society or feel lost in this area, most likely they will waver in their ability to commit fully to a partnership with you. Unless you want a casual connection, pay attention to what they say when you ask about this. Important: When you ask, make sure it’s coming from a place of genuine curiosity and wanting to know more about them about vs. sizing them up financially! Energy is super palpable!


  • Red Flag #3 He goes hot and cold a la Katy Perry style with plans (extremes of being super available to you and affectionate and then the next, cold, distant or doing the disappearing act)

You may have heard of the rubber band effect, where a man will pull back before he decides to get close again. That is very common but what distinguishes that from the red flag I mean here is that when it comes to setting a time to meet with you, an emotionally available man will let you know he’s running late. He will say something like, “I’m sorry but I need to work tonight later than I thought.” It may or may not be the rubber band thing happening, but he has the courtesy to let you know that plans have changed. The emotionally unavailable date rarely bothers to let you know. They are all about themselves and unless it’s convenient for them, you’re not getting a phone call. 

By following your intuition from the get-go and noticing when these red flags pop up early, you’ll be right on track to attracting another date who can’t wait to get to know you and who is ready for an amazing relationship!


Your Turn: Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally unavailable? Which one of the red flags or clues did you notice looking back? What helped you to move on? Please share your comment with us!


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2 replies
  1. Jennifer Sanders
    Jennifer Sanders says:

    Dear Diana

    Very true tips! I wish I had read this as a teenager and then I could have avoided relationships with these issues!! I have seen all three of these from a serious boyfriend who would let me down at the last minute with plans so I had to go to parties by myself, through to a boyfriend at high school who talked about his ex all the time and I felt so in shadow not sure why I put up with it but I obviously didn’t think I deserved to be happy back then :-/ I finally realised I was in relationships with emotionally distant men when I was able to let go of a relationship with someone I loved but who could not properly love me and be affectionate and who was quite disconnected from his own drive and ambition as you mentioned too! It’s been a long journey but I was then ready for someone who could really be in love and share deep feelings with hurrah! Thanks Diana I hope lots of women young and older read your article!! Xxx

    • Diana
      Diana says:

      Thank you Jennifer! So glad this post resonated with you. Sometimes we just have to go through those challenging relationships like you did to get to the point where we recognize who is truly able to meet us emotionally. Much love to you Goddess! Love, Diana


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