Last week, I shared an exercise from my private coaching files to help you clarify what is important to you in a partnership so that you don’t lose the gems that your exes left behind.
Missed it? Check it out here.
Today I want to chat about one of the most crucial steps that shows up in the manifestation process that most people avoid dealing with…or worse, they mistake for a sign that they are on the wrong path and end up exactly where they were before-comfortable but stagnant and bored/frustrated/etc. Specifically in relationships.
On more than one occasion I have tripped myself up on it and it wasn’t until I learned that it was simply a surefire sign that I was right on the edge of pulling in some major awesome-ness that I stopped giving it so much power and started to actually enjoy it!
I’ll give you a hint. It starts with an R.
The big R is resistance.
What do I mean by this?
It’s an almost knee-jerk response or series of thoughts that arise usually when you are:
- About to do something that you’ve never done before that you know is going to help you but….you’ve never done it before. (fear of the new without guarantees)
- Stretching out of your comfort zone in one or more ways (emotionally, financially, etc)
- Triggered by a past memory that is associated with the new thing presented to you. (fear of feeling bad again)
Your subconscious is designed to keep you safe. It likes guarantees. Given the choice between a lukewarm familiar choice and an innovative, different choice, it will do everything in its power to convince your logical mind that the familiar choice is better. Even if you are not seeing the results that you want to see. So crazy right?
Anything that is outside the default setting is going to bring up a “warning! Red alert!” vibe in it because it perceives danger. And so we think we are on the wrong path, but that’s not true!
In relationships, this is usually the step right before some major self-sabotaging happens.
You have been declaring that this is the year you will meet your soulmate and get married. You meet someone for a first date. Let’s call him Mr. Man. All is going well. You enjoy the conversation, you feel the chemistry running through you, you enjoy spending time with them and you even agree to see them again. You go on two more great dates where you feel treated like a Goddess. You feel so happy and sexy. You wonder when he’s going to call again and he does! (faster than you expected). And then on the next date, he asks you if you want to take it to the next level and stop seeing other people. He says he really likes you and wants to have the opportunity to really get to know each other and see if this has any future potential.
Thud. All of a sudden, the energy shifts. You start judging the person in front of you. They are too tall. They are just not smart enough. What if the sex is terrible? Are they crazy? Why are they going so fast? There must be something wrong with them. Why are they being so nice and calling or texting too much/not enough?
All signs of internal resistance to letting yourself be happy and explore the potential.
You may even have a physical response to the experience. Temperature changes, mood changes, anger, etc.
And your logical mind will tell you that you’re right.
That this person is indeed crazy. He’s not for you. It’s too much. Who does he think he is anyway? Why is he being so direct? There’s got to be a catch. Done. You’re done…..
And poor Mr. Man just asked you a question. But that question just brought up all your shit.
Of all the ways you maybe don’t feel ready to let him see the real you.
Where you feel unlovable or undeserving.
Or just plain scared of losing your freedom as you know it now and actually getting what you want.
This is the point where resistance can be seen for what it is (your natural internal triggers of the unfamiliar rubbing up against your past or your future) and dealt with…or you can go onto sabotaging which is what most people do if you are unconscious about what’s happening.
So you text your ex even though you swore to your friend you’d delete his number.
You may even go as far as seeing him,
Mr. Man calls and texts to see if you’re okay and you blow him off or block his number.
And you go back on Match.com to see what other hotties winked at you.
And at the end of the resistance that turned into sabotage, your subconscious decided Mr. Man’s fate before he even got a fair shot at truly getting to know you.
You’re back to square one and it feels like shit. You wonder if there are just no good men out there and your confidence drops.
It’s a very familiar loop. But the good news is, you can change it.
Step Out of Resistance Land
You are that powerful.
It all starts by noticing your energy shift.
And the next step is just saying, “I feel some resistance right now.”
Breathe and be with it not against it.
Just the simple but powerful act of calling your resistance out can be the catalyst to put your subconscious mind on pause. Then you can actually see what it’s trying to tell you before you go on autopilot and move into sabotage land.
Expanding on the Mr. Man example above…
If you had used the steps I just mentioned, what may have happened was that you gave yourself space to see that some of the subconscious fears and thoughts that got triggered by his question were: (hypothetically)
*I don’t like my body right now. What if we have sex and he laughs at me?
Truth: I want to feel good in my body. Start dance class again on Monday.
*I feel like I need to get my shit together because he seems to and who wants to be with someone who doesn’t?
Truth: I want to get my finances together. Call credit card company and negotiate a lower rate.
*I really like this guy but I’m not ready to stop dating other people just yet.
Truth: I have to tell him how I feel and risk that he may not want to see me again.
Then perhaps you could have had a dialogue with Mr. Man that went something like this:
“I really love that you asked me that but I feel a little hesitant to be exclusive just yet, although eventually that’s what I want too. It’s bringing up some of my fears and I really like you. Could we continue to see each other and then revisit this in a few weeks?”
Now, granted, that does take a willingness to be vulnerable, but if true love is really what you want, and if Mr. Man is a real contender, he won’t be turned off by this. He’ll honor your pace and then whatever is supposed to unfold between you can, without the filter of knee-jerk resistance coming up to block your connection!
Q: Have you ever felt resistance come up in your relationships? How did you deal with it? What was the outcome?
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