same guy, different face

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Have you ever felt like you’ve dated the same type of person with a different face?

Often times, you don’t even realize it’s happening until a well-meaning friend points it out (usually the one that is exhausted from hearing you vent because it’s the same…freakin story and they know how it ends, but you don’t listen!)

Sometimes we choose partners who remind us of our parent(s).

Or we choose their exact opposite in an attempt to rebel against a pattern.

Or sometimes it’s totally random, but there is a pattern to the randomness.

I was out the other day and this woman near me started talking about how she keeps calling in married men.

She doesn’t know why this keeps happening.

I stayed quiet because I was doing my best to just listen and take my “love coach” hat off, but she kept going and said, “Do you have any ideas?”

When I told her my line of work, she burst out laughing and said it must be the Cosmos because she usually never opens up that much to someone she barely knows.

Here’s what I shared with her:

Instead of focusing on “why,” I suggested she focus on “what.”

Specifically, I posed this question for her to ask herself: “What are you getting from dating unavailable (still married) men?”

She looked at me like I was crazy at first and said, “Nothing! They can’t give me what I want.”

But I asked her to go deeper than that.

There is always a pay-off, even if it’s small or weird…that we are receiving when we find ourselves in a pattern.

Maybe the pay-off is that it’s familiar, so you know there is an end-point.

In her case, when she really dug in, she came up with this:

“What I’m getting is that I don’t have to put myself out there fully-opening up after being hurt so many times feels scary, so when they are married, it’s like having a part time boyfriend who only knows the bit about me that’s exciting and sexy and fun, but it’s also lonely because I know it’s not going anywhere.”

Whoa.

Lightbulb moment.

The payoff was not having to put herself out there fully…

And once she owned that’s what was going on, that was the starting place to shift that pattern.

So over to you.

What’s a pattern you notice about yourself in relationship?

What could you be getting out of it?

Share with us in the comments and if you enjoy reading stories like this and want to learn some simple but powerful tools to start breaking the pattern, check out my best-selling book, The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again in the store!

this 1 question influences everything…

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Are you making decisions from fear…or love?

This question came up in an impromptu FB live I did on Sunday in response to the pandemic hysteria but, it can also be applied to anything.

When it comes to relationships, so often we make decisions from fear.

What if I’m not enough?

What if it’s too late?

What if they hurt me again?

What if it (dating, etc) doesn’t work?

But what would happen instead if we came from love?

What if I’m already good enough?

What if my timing is perfect?

What if I’m able to love myself no matter what happens?

What if it turns out to be the best thing ever?

The easiest way I know to tell the difference between fear and love is….

Click here to listen to the short audio from the FB live:

Tune in and I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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how to trust again after trauma

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Have you ever experienced a trauma in your relationships?

A trauma could include a betrayal of trust/cheating/painful breakup/unexpected death among other examples.

And when that happens, it can be really hard to open yourself up to trust another and be emotionally intimate.

The part of you that was hurt puts up a wall and suddenly everyone you meet may come with a warning sign (*”Danger! They may hurt us! Don’t trust them or show them who you are.”)

And while this gives you the illusion that you are “safe,” this can go directly against the desires of your heart for companionship, emotional and physical intimacy and real partnership and love.

Learning how to trust again after a trauma is a process, but here are 3 tips from my private practice that can help you start to unravel the pattern of defensiveness and emotional guarding that block intimacy.

1. On opening up….start where you are

Every interaction with another person carries with it a certain level of potential intimacy and vulnerability. 

For example, an interaction like receiving a compliment from a barista about making a good choice on your latte requires a small level of vulnerability, while revealing something about yourself while in bed with your lover carries a higher one.

Determine what a “stretch” would be for you and practice allowing yourself to receive and be vulnerable once a day. Note: We have different levels of “stretch” sometimes depending on the day or moment, so as long as you are being honest with yourself, practice from where you’re at! Coffee shop, work lunch, on a date, etc.

2. Own your triggers…by tapping.

It’s so easy, especially when you are in a relationship or dating, to get triggered by something the other person says or does (or doesn’t say or do!). If you find yourself having an especially emotional outburst or strong reaction to a simple thing, it’s a good indication that it’s bumping up against an old wound or trigger.

When that happens, it’s so easy to react and take it out on the other person or shut down.

But instead, what I suggest to clients is to lightly “tap” (emotional freedom technique). This can be as simple as taking your index and middle finger and lightly tapping your collarbone and saying silently or aloud, “I’m feeling triggered right now.” This level of action and awareness can start to calm the mind and help you re-assess vs. react.

3. Affirm a more supportive belief

Using an affirmation that speaks to what you would like to believe (even if you aren’t quite there yet) can help you start to shift out of the belief that everyone is out to get you or that no one can be trusted.

Write down the opposite or what you would like to feel in your relationships and say it when you are feeling uneasy.

Some of my favorites? “The Universe supports me in every way. It is safe for me to be myself. No matter what happened before, today is a new day. I am safe.”

The more you can practice these three things, the closer you’ll be on your way to deeply connected, emotionally supportive relationships!

Q: Which one of these 3 tips will you implement this week?

Have you ever been through a relationship trauma? If so, what helped you learn to trust again after?

Share your insights by leaving a comment!

ps: If you are ready to break the pattern from past relationships that no longer serve you, private coaching can help you get there faster. If you are 10000% ready to change this + are receptive to getting support, go here to book a complimentary coaching consult call to learn more about how I can help you!

your magical march!

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Happy March to you!

If you are new to my world, welcome-I’m so happy you are here. Every first week of the month, I share a Goddess Guidance Oracle message so you can get a feel for what to expect in the month and tune into your own intuition too!

March’s theme is “self-acceptance.”

From self-acceptance, you tap into your power and when it comes to relationships, this is a great month to:

  • reset your boundaries 
  • let go of negative self-talk that isn’t helping you attract awesome relationships
  • express how you feel to another (and yourself!) so energy can move.

Go here to watch the video (I pull a card for each week of the month-be sure to get a sheet of paper and pen out and you can pause the video after each card to get your own intuitive nudges!)

It’s a packed month, but one thing to remember is that you don’t have to go at it alone.

If you are on Facebook, I invite you to join my community group!

I will be doing more regular FB lives and Q+A on love, intuition and other fun stuff in there and I encourage you to check it out here:

Have a wonderful March!

the paradox of nurturing

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Happy Wed!

If you’ve been in my world awhile you’ve heard me speak on feminine and masculine energy.

When you have two people in their masculine or two in their feminine, the energy is neutralized and it’s often at this point when people call me saying things like:

“He used to pay all this attention to me and now he treats me like a roommate…

or “We stopped having sex and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

or…”This girl I was seeing for a few dates totally went hot and cold on me.”

Not always, but often, it comes down to polarity and energy.

When it comes to romantic relationships, the thing that makes the spark stay alive is polarity, or the energy of opposites.

And contrary to what most people believe, nurturing is actually a masculine task, not a feminine energy one.

It is giving energy and when you’re giving too much, you’re setting yourself up to be put in a “neutral”/mother role vs. a partner role.

But it’s a delicate dance.

You don’t want to never nurture or give the impression that you are unemotional and uncaring.

But you also don’t want to over-nurture and end up being the “mommy.”

Today’s Q+A comes from Rachel: “Where is the line between nurturing and over-functioning in my masculine energy with a man? Is it never okay to nurture, even if my man is sick?”

Play the audio below to hear my answer:

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