How to Decline an Invite From a Strong Personality (With Grace)

Happy Tuesday!

Have you ever gotten repeated invitations from a friend or acquaintance and wanted to decline but didn’t have the words?

It can feel even harder when the person is what I call a “strong personality” and you may feel compelled to say yes, when you really want to say no.

Today, I’m taking your direct questions from the community and here’s the situation:

Q: “Diana, I have a friend who I met years ago at a business event. She keeps asking me to hang out in person, but I just don’t feel like it. It’s nothing personal against her, but I just have other priorities and I’m being super intentional where I spend my energy this year. I just keep saying, “it’s not the right time for me,” but she’s a strong personality and keeps pushing me to know why and proposes another date or question. I don’t want to be rude, and I don’t want to burn bridges but I don’t really know what to say so she “gets” it. Help!

A few things come to share with you!

1. Clarity is kindness. Q: What is it that you do want out of this relationship? Do you want to keep this person in your life but in a different capacity? Do you really want to not have any ties because it just doesn’t feel good or make sense? Be honest with yourself and allow all the feelings that arise to come up. That will inform how you eventually respond.

2. Ask yourself this: If the situation was reversed, how do you think they would act? This is more about getting curious. Chances are high that with a strong personality, if they didn’t want to hang out with you (or they wanted you to stop communicating), it would be very, very clear and there probably wouldn’t be a lot of wiggle room. So, ask yourself, what are you afraid of (if anything) could happen or how they would react if you were just really honest about what you wanted?

3. Once you know what you really want, and you’ve allowed the feelings and fears to surface and get to neutral, then you are ready to communicate neutrally and clearly.

Here are some potential responses (feel free to adapt/edit using your tone and what you want out of the relationship!): 

• Brutal, but clear approach: Hey there-I appreciate you reaching out to hang out, but to be honest, I don’t have the bandwidth for that. If that changes in the future, I will let you know. Thank you for understanding and respecting that.
• If you’ve identified you do not want a friendship but really want to help each other out in another capacity based on the event you attended: “Hi (x)-I am so glad we met the XYZ event years ago. If there is something specific I can support you with as far as business goes, feel free to email me and I will respond when I can. My calendar is super full right now for in person committments.”
• If you do want to build/maintain friendship but just really don’t have the time or desire to hang out right now: Hi X, I really appreciate you consistently reaching out to connect with me. I realize my responses may have been a bit unclear-I truly value our connection and the truth is, right now my energetic capacity to hang out with friends in person is pretty low. It’s not personal-I just have other competing priorities at the moment. I am, however, available (if you really are!) to (fill in the blank-speak on the phone, text, etc). I understand if that doesn’t work for you, but I wanted to be honest and let you know where I’m at!
  The more you can practice being clear, getting to emotional neutral and communicating from that space, the easier it will be to deal with a strong personality (or any personality) and decline or accept invitations!

Q: Have you ever been in a similar situation? How did you handle it and what tips can you share around this? Leave a comment on the blog!